Chasing Rainbows

This could also be Scanxiety Part II but anything associated to rainbows is a nice thing.

On 24th Feb I was told that it looked like I had bone metastasis, even though my bone scan is clear something showed up on the CT scan (actually I was told this accidentally over the phone a week previous to this whilst stood in a motor way service station but you get the gist). This is around the time I wrote Scanxiety.

I then had an MRI to look at those areas more clearly -they forgot to scan my pelvis so I had to go back for another MRI, top of my spine is clear (well unchanged from the scan on diagnosis so thats good) and I'm now waiting for the pelvis results at the end of this week.

I have some how managed to block this out for the most part, don't ask me how but I have. I have tricked myself into thinking that non of this is happening and have filled my days with "normal" activities. Such as - weekends away, nights out (sober but nights out), driving, eyebrow HD, fake tanning, house hunting,family meals, playing on a flicker scooter thingy (awesome fun until you fly off and roll into a garage door) etc etc. 

I say for the most part because I now have a new routine in that each night I look up to the sky and when I see a star I make a wish (you can probably guess what that wish is), I'm not sure if this is a "thing" or if Ive made it up? Who knows but I do it each night. I am also an active rainbow hunter, again not sure if this is another "thing" but I also make a wish when I see a rainbow (gosh I sound crazy-I am aware of this). So imagine my excitement earlier this week when I saw 2 rainbows!!

I've also started to use everything up, candles, champers, bubble bath etc, why on earth do we save these things? What are we saving them for??

So I have a couple of days of pure ignorance left to enjoy, or maybe this is normal as in everything is ok and will continue to be so? Is this my new normal life now? I hope so, I really hope so.

Reasons why IFHC

Cancer is Cancer and its shit, it's the worst thing ever, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy or ex boyfriends.... No really I wouldn't. No matter what "good" may have come out of this shit storm it will never outweigh the devastating consequences and how it slammed the breaks on my life,flipped it upside down and is slowly spitting it back out.

Reasons why I fucking hate Cancer :-

Taken away my ability to have my own family.

Given me a heavy heart.

I will never be care free/happy go lucky again.

I will always convince myself that it is coming back and spreading.

Made me bitter.

Stopped me working.

Given me anxiety and depression.

Lost my independence.

Ive become "the girl" that people tell their friends about.

Seeing people I love be destroyed and consumed by it.

Now unable to sleep without medication.

Safe to say for these reasons it has ruined my life.

No longer recognise myself.

Made my cry - a lot.

Made me look and feel like a boy.

Neuropathy.

Painful bones and joints,aching muscles.

Lymphedema and the sleeve that comes with it.

In growing toe nail.

Envy.

Loneliness.

Inability to look forward or look to the future.

Panic attacks.

A world that is now completely ruled by Cancer.

Sandy kisses and salty toes.....

So I have just got back from a family weekend in Devon (sorry about the constant photo's taking over everyone's news feed), well actually 2 family weekends but no one likes a show off.

We have been a few times over the years (#MelonGate) but I can hand on heart say that these have been the best Fletcher/Iliffe/Clark/Whitehead trips by far, and im not even bothered that I couldn't fully indulge in long walks or extreme rock climbing/crabbing or drinking too much in the club house because im still recovering (yawn yes I know boring now) I will bring up the fact that no one won on the Bingo but im not going to let it spoil my mood.

Im not sure if it's the whole seeing life in a new light or a well earned time out from anything Cancer related or seeing the kids faces (and mine) light up when visiting the beach/going crabbing/going to Dinosaur Land/Running into the sea/ Easter egg hunting/driving on the part of the M5 past Bristol where you drive alongside the rocks and the ongoing traffic is lower than you on the way there and higher than you on the way back/cream teas/caravan smell/buying random crap that you don't need and looks s**t when you get home.

Who knows but I had an ace time and im counting down the days until the next one.

Just in case you haven't been on the Facebook/Instagram here are a few pics #sorryNotSorry #fam

Obsessive Hair Disorder

You're going to have 6 months of chemo.

Crap. My hair. That was my first thought (followed a few days later by weight loss here I come -but don't be fooled you actually put weight on). Crap.

So after the first chemo I became hair obsessed. Head hair, leg hair, arm hair, face hair (yes face hair -who knew it was actually that hairy), eyebrows, eyelashes, lady garden hair, nose hair -you name it i was obsessed with it.

In fact one thing I wasn't told about was nose hair. When people say chemo, you generally associate it with throwing up and loosing the hair on your head, no one ever mentioned anything about bloody nose hair. So when mine fell out and all of a sudden it was freeeeezing cold and streaming I convinced myself that I had nose Cancer. Yep nose Cancer. It was the only logical explanation, that was until my next clinic appointment and the nurse casually said 

"Oh yes that's normal it's just your nose hair falling out" brilliant, thanks for that.

Then the lady garden hair fell out - and Arron gave me the loving nick name "Sconner." This wasn't really a big deal, neither was the arm pit hair or leg hair, in fact it was rather nice not having to Veet/shave etc.

Im not going to write about loosing my head hair as there are plenty of awesome blogs about that. I will say that I found loosing my eyebrows devastating, and hated the generic "Cancer face" - see below -

I then adopted the even more

Loving Nick name of "Sconner Face." 

I wish I'd had them tattoo'd on. Yes you can draw them on. Yes some of the products available are great. Yes you can buy stencils (actually amazing and probably one of my best chemo presents I received). But it takes ages. Making sure they're symmetrical, not too thick, not too Scouse brow, level, not too obviously drawn on. There's no such thing as quickly getting ready, it's a bloody nightmare, and you have good eyebrow days and bad eyebrow days. This is probably a good day -

Clearly I have no eyelashes but eyebrows have been drawn on reasonably well here. When I had surgery I asked the nurse 2 things - could I keep my knickers on (only so I would know if I'd wet myself during the 4hr op) and if I could keep my eyebrows drawn on (I don't think she'd ever been asked that). Not sure what happened but I woke up looking like the dad from American Pie-

And Arron thought it wod be funny not to tell me, luckily my sister Hollie told me that evening and sorted them out for me.

So then chemo finished (yay) and hair started growing back whilst waiting for surgery. Which sounds good but 2 things -

1. It means that the chemo is pretty much out of your system (crap, that means it could start growing/spreading)

2. It grows back with a vengeance (well,everywhere EXCEPT your head).

My eyebrows sprouted overnight but now grow outwards, and again not evenly, getting my HD brows was genuinely one of the happiest days ive had in ages -

There all mine!! No pencil, nothing!! Amazing!!

But unfortunately for me it's not the 70's and im not a porn star so my 70's bush takes a lot of work (bring back sconner Aimee), and it's also poker straight, as in ive used GHD's straight and I can assure you that I haven't -no pictures fortunately.

 Im also sick to death of shaving my legs and arm pits, no matter what you use nothing, and I mean nothing gets it as smooth as chemo does....

Are we nearly there yet??

For the past 11 3/4 months I feel like I've been on a massive car journey with me sitting in the back shaking the front seat shouting are we nearly there yet???

Well active treatment is now over (yay?) so? Am I there yet?? I hope so, I hope that I will be able to draw a line under this and start a new life, I hope I can move on,I hope all of the Cancer is gone forever and hasn't worked its way elsewhere,  i hope that I can consider the possibility that I will never have Cancer again, I hope the fear will slowly disappear, I hope I can have a headache without assuming the worst, I hope that I can look forward to the future, I hope I can be happy.

Yesterday I was thinking about the last 10 months, I thought I'd been trapped in this house .. Turns out that quite a bit has happened (And more im sure but Im still blaming chemo brain for everything I forget- that is until my hair grows enough to dye it blonde then I will blame that).

Clinic appointments x 20

MRI x 3

Bone scan x 2

CT scan x 2

Chemo x 8

Radiotheraphy x 15

Miloh time x heaps

General Anaesthetic x 1

Copious amount of dark nail varnish 

Biopsy x 7

Head shave x 3

7 bitches 

Zoladex injections x 11

Mammogram x 3

Drains x 2

Lolaah sleepovers x 11

Hospital over nighters x 4

Lymphodema clinic x 2

Mom & dad sleepovers x 28

Physio x 1

Dopla Scan x 1

Major hangovers x 3

Bottles of champers/cava/prosecco x??

Wigs x 8

Countless meals on wheels (Hollie,Mom&Dad,Andrea,Rhian,Barbara,Grams, Karen)

Yummy cakes from Grams x a lot 

Reiki x 6

aromatherapy x 4

Nights away from fabio = too many but thank you Carly and Hollie (and Dave)

Acupuncture x 5

Homeopathy x 2

Fish Pillow x1 (thankfully Adam Fletcher)

Nights out x 4

Wedding x 1

Breaking Bad series 1-5

OITNB series 1-2

Scandal series 1-4 (in 3 weeks post op)

Girls nights x 5

Nice surprises x a fair few!!

So that was yesterday (plus I slept

A LOT) and today, well I guess Kylie was right.... It does feel like spring.