Saturday, 22 August 2015

Quite frankly

I think having cancer has toughened me up. I think people who know me would agree, I was a bit of a push over BC, too soft, this has changed, or is rapidly changing should I say. Something else I wasn't warned about was my new found intolerance of people, quite honestly I find myself becoming very irritated by certain things and situations and I'm finding it harder and harder to keep it in. BC I would smile and then have a moan to myself after, not so much anymore. Don't get me wrong, my most used sentence is still "I don't mind" and when I say it now I genuinely mean it but I'm not as meek as I once was, is that what cancer does? Does it make you cut out all the crap? Bye bye people pleaser, hello new life- MY life my way?

Just over 3 weeks ago I was dying. I'd started thinking about, well sod it I will just say it, I'd written down instructions for my funeral, not something I'd ever thought about before, not seriously, but why would you at 32?  things have obviously changed, well my whole entire life as I knew it 3 weeks ago has changed. I never ever expected this and  I can't even write how elated I am, but, there's always a but, it's a huge thing to try and get your head round. I'm waiting for this bubble to burst, every time a hospital letter comes through the letter box my heart starts pounding, unknown numbers on my phone send my anxiety into overdrive. 

Shouldn't everything go back to normal now? Surely it's all done? Until I'm told otherwise I'm ok? Isn't that what happens? Isn't that what's happened to me?

This is what happens or this is what some people believe, mainly people who have lived a so far fabulous life and have no idea, not the faintest idea of what C does to you. 

Actually the aches and pains that I had whilst having "bone mets" are still very
much present, that didn't disappear just because I've been down graded to stage 3. I could still quite easily stay in bed all day because quite honestly some days it's an effort to go put my lenses in and walk downstairs to the make a cup of tea, that is of course after I've put my lymphoedema sleeve on because just accidentally turning over in my sleep and lying on my left arm even for a few minutes makes it begin to swell and ache.

I can't even begin to write about how this has taken its toll mentally because I don't even understand it myself.

Yes I would love to be back to normal, that's all I want, but quite frankly it just doesn't happen like that.