Once upon a different life...

13 days ago there was hope and light. I would have an enriched life, full of laughter and love. We would be happy, we would have our own adventures, we would be perfect.

The love is still very much there, from everyone. But now there's a look, even when they don't realise they're doing it, there's a look of sadness and despair, they don't want me to know they feel it but they don't know that I can see it, I can sense it,I'm very aware of it.

The laughter is there, at times but then so is the Big C and of course the new C's. They creep into my thoughts, every second of every day. Apart from 10-20 seconds when I wake up each morning. It's gone, it's my favourite part of the day, I smile and I mean it. And then it hits me. Everyday. It takes my breath away.

I lay in bed for a while, very still, I think about what aches, the twinges, I try to prepare myself for the day, I wonder what will change, what news I will be given, what kind of hospital letter will be dropped through the door. I long to wake up and find that this has been a nightmare. But that never happens. The carousel never stops turning.